For His good pleasure

Jeremiah 2

2010-07-05T17:32:00.001-07:00

From your word I heard of you,

the better lover than all the other

treasures I found in the malls and wall

street and the nearest sale.

But as you said you are as if I

found in a field ten million

billions of dollars that never ended

and multiplied by powers of ten each time

I bent to spend them. Yet better,

and more.

But being in a field and found far from home, and suburbia, and modern church, and academia, they all laughed at what I so prized

and devised to ruin my joy by decoy:

a thousand trojan horses parked

at the lot of my heart,

stealing in at night as gifts and perfumed by the best

aromatic acrobatics, the most

beautiful and sweet of them lined at the front

of these thousands of rows

of trojan faux-s.

And these are cars and homes and jobs and wives

and families and low-interest loans. Degrees and sex and sports,

multiplied again by powers of ten.

And oh! How many are, in this American heart.

Gatsby’s dream left too much empty for the filling but the horses tell me they’re always almost there.

And how beautiful they seem. The edges - crisp, and newly forged. Hair golden-brown and waving. Made with the most precise precision, all moving in at once, at night, filing in the empty space

as a car parks in the far corner of a lot in the rain at a mall.

And some time later I wake at night to

scorched floors, the boards and the doors curled up in fire.

But what of all these gifts, lined up

primed and pretty? All ablaze now

in a haze of heat and smoke that

they started in the night

of the dark

of my heart.

But as the smoke and heat increase, I feel

a cold drop of rain which is, again,

an unexpected turn in this night in the

heart of my life. Rain, now a torrent,

douses flame and rouses out the

sun from underneath a long horizon.

Dawn, and soaked, walking back field-ward

and kneeling at the feet of the treasure I had found,

which now takes the form of a man with a name known

only by himself but blazed on his

thigh and high on the crest of his head,

under a thorn-kissed crown.

“I sent the rain”, says the treasure, “And caused to burn what spurned my place in the city of your heart.”

How White?

2010-07-05T17:29:00.000-07:00

How white, Lord when

rivers through this heart have run

thick and

black, as tar in sun bubbles slow...

"Go", you say, and "stay

no more." Somehow dark and black

befriend you; night is

as brightest day

with you.

You turn the driven snow skyward; who stands

before your cold? And sonship a means

by which black is nearest

the pale glow

of morning light.

Three

2010-07-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

A quiet man told me once "never

say much, it will turn on you.

Become the nothing

that eats at lonely nights

alone. Better to never

say a thing."

A small boy concluded "I'll do

it all cuz doing is better than

saying nothing. Better than what

the quiet man said."

A dreamer came by and dreamed

a better life than both.

They dreamed and worked

and said nothing til

a humble man wept

in a solitary place

over all three.

Then he said to me, "I am he;

to old age, yes to gray

I carry. I have made and

will save;

will bear and will

carry."

The dreamer, disolussioned,

cut a channel in his arm

to see if blood was real, or

just a dream and the boy, now a man,

said, “how, in saying 'I am he'

are you more wonderful than me?”

Quietly, the quiet man, too old

and mute would not hear, or speak.

And I, all three, asked of

the humble man to come

for me.

Glen Eyrie, years later

2010-03-27T17:16:00.000-07:00

Hello numerous 2010 fans. Haha, oh sarcasm. Well, it's been a few years since I've written on this here page. I'd like for writing to resume, however, though I'm not sure who might follow it. Either way, I hope it's encouraging, and that you see some of Christ in what I write.

I'm currently at the Glen right now in Colorado Springs for the CityLife planning and development team meeting, which is pretty exciting, and has been an honor to be a part of even before the start. How good our God is to give us life experiences and then subsequent memories, through which we see more of Him. Think of it: we get some of Jesus in the present - what he is doing or teaching or showing us - and that is continually moving forward in every subsequent present moment, but then he multiplies our joy by being active in our memories of those moments as we reflect. "God did this thing" is a different statement, carrying a multiplicity of different meanings than "God is doing this thing". For Joseph, as an example, God had him in prison, had him accused of rape, had him abandoned by his brothers. That's what God "was doing", but Genesis 50:20 sums it up wonderfully through the god-drenched lens of memory. "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good..."

Anyway, before I continue the waxing, I'll stop short, with the caveat that I'm probably particularly pensive (alliteration anyone?) right now because it's been a long time since I've been to the Glen, and have since been through some of the hardest but best times of my life with Jesus. Much has changed; much is the same, but it's just good to be back here and getting alone time with Him. I'll leave you with this:

"The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season.

You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing."

Psalm 145:14-16

For Melissa!

2008-05-22T07:48:00.001-07:00

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.

Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,

Adown Titanic glooms of chasmèd fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.

But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbèd pace,

Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,

They beat -- and a voice beat
More instant than the Feet --

"All things betray thee, who betrayest Me."

-The Hound of Heaven, Francis Thompson

Yes, my sister is talented.

2008-05-22T07:25:00.001-07:00

It would appear to the untrained eye, to the ignorant buffoon, buffooning around in ignorance, that this is 'just a picture of some guy'. Well, buffoon, you giant ignoramus, you're wrong.

An Ode to Nate, a Husband.

2008-05-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

Nathan Charles Martin
Looks like a Spartan.

He will smash and attack,
like a barracuda attack.

He takes joy in his wife,
and protects her with his life.

He will surely succeed
and will meet her need.

Where is the fight?
Nate will be alright!

Is there is monster?
Nate will smash its chompers!

All you wee ones, take heed
Nate will ride on his steed!

Shining in her beauty, his wife understands
that he could dominate the arctic lands.

How many beasts can you kill?
Well, Nate destroys more, and he will.

a completed thesis.

2008-05-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

Well. I am sitting on my bed at 12:53 am on wednesday the 14th of May, in complete elation. It hasn't been long since I've submitted my thesis book, gone on a blue and black 'bar tour' around town with some semi-shady people, enjoyed a very large glass of water, or talked about Faulkner and Joyce novels (as well as 3 or 4 of my favorite movies, songs, etc., which I will view tomorrow night with my good friends Crafty, MWal, and Landon). What, in light of all tonight has brought, have I to look forward to? Falling asleep reading Kurt Vonnegut's short stories. That's fine with me.

Criminals

2008-05-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

Against a broken brick wall
in the city of your year,
Round up all your
memories;

You've given them a patch, the dirtiest
name; you love to see their bones push
from cold skin
as flowers do.

Let loose with
the firing squad
of the mind.
Watch them quiver
and shake.
Beat out a confession.

Maybe, what it means to remember
will drip to the ground
like blood.

or

String them up
On a laundry line,
On the windiest day of the year.

Watch His breath blow them into
meaning something more
than a thousand condemned criminals.

Job

2008-05-10T08:01:00.000-07:00

Listening to Radiohead "how I made my millions". Reading the word in Saints. Finishing my thesis book. Hoping that, looking back, the verses below will have described my summer.

"Dress for action like a man;
I will question you, and you make it
known to me.

Will you even put me in the wrong?
Will you condemn me that you may
be in the right?

Have you an arm like God,
and can you thunder with a voice like
his?

...[Job 40-41]...

Then Job answered the Lord and said:

"I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be
thwarted.
'Who is this that hides counsel without
knowledge?'
Therefore I have uttered what I did not
understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I
did not know.
'Hear, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you make it
known to me.'

I had heard of you by the hearing of the
ear,
but now my eye sees you;

therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes."

Questioning Heart

2008-04-27T05:30:00.000-07:00

"Your prayer will be answered - as you want it, or in a better way. That is the solemn faith of every believer in Romans 8:28 and 8:32 - 'He who did not spare his only son but gave him up for us all, will he not with him freely give us all things?' 'He withholds no good things from those who walk uprightly. YOUR PRAYER WILL BE ANSWERED; as you want it, or in a better way. His only word to you in Christ is 'yes'." (as per 2 Cor. 1:19-20)

-John Piper, All of the Promises of God are Yes in Christ, 23:30.

I have questioned countless things over the last year - such that I've felt almost completely swallowed up in the absence of answers. Many of those times, I must admit, my heart's inclination is not primarily toward God's glory; I do not trust Him easily in the silence that has so often insued. Last night it really struck me, though - praying in a car in the rain - that I have not been marvelling at the Glory of Christ, and really, honestly savoring WHO HE IS in the midst of the hardest year that I can remember. I run too quickly to circumstance, and then make wrong inferrences about the unchangeable character of God because of them. I hold too loosely to the promises of God, thinking that they have somehow circumvented me, and if I am found by them eventually, they'll prove ineffective in the trials of the soul this year has produced.

So last night in prayer, I found myself confronted with a faithless, doubting, questioning heart. One that is not covered over in 'assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen'. One that does not quickly say, "Therefore brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." One that laments the circumstance and does not SEEK JOY in the King, who designed the circumstance for my good and His glory. In Piper's sermon (above), I am quick to say, "I only want my prayer to be answered in the way that I want it to be answered. There is NO BETTER WAY." This is the conjecture of a selfish, humanistic, isolated heart. The Lord of the universe says to me,

"Woe to Him who strives with Him who formed him; a pot among earthen pots! Does the clay say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?' or, 'Your work has no handles'? Woe to him who says to a father, 'What are you begetting?' or to a woman, 'With what are you in labor?' Thus says the Lord, the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed him; "Ask me of things to come; will your command me concerning my children and the work of my hands? I made the earth and created man on it; it was my hand that stretched out the heavens, and I commanded all their host..."
Isaiah 45:8-12

In the midst of such a condemning heart, whispering faithless lies, never looking at the assurance we have through Christ, the Lord of the universe again says to me,

"By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything."
1 John 3:19-20

Honestly, this verse has always seemed trite, almost irrelevant in the face of 'good theology', because it always seemed easy, elementary; obvious. In a year of questioning almost everything, however, God (in his sovereignty) has stripped away much of this prideful notion and has brought me to a point where simply hearing "God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything" is water to a thirsty soul. All through Jesus.

-------------------->

The object of our faith is immovable, unchangeable, inscrutable, immaculate, all-powerful, unendingly good, relentlessly faithful. If you're reading this and think it's ridculous or don't know who Jesus is, please read below and seriously consider how AWESOME he is.

"Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords."
Revelation 19: 11-16

"But there will be no gloom for her who was in anguish. In the former time he brought into contempt the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the latter time he has made glorious the way of the sea, the land beyond the Jordan, Galilee of the nations.
The people who walked in darkness
have seen a great light;
those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,
on them has light shined.
You have multiplied the nation;
you have increased its joy;
they rejoice before you
as with joy at the harvest,
as they are glad when they divide the spoil.
For the yoke of his burden,
and the staff for his shoulder,
the rod of his oppressor,
you have broken as on the day of Midian.
For every boot of the tramping warrior in battle tumult
and every garment rolled in blood
will be burned as fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and of peace
there will be no end,
on the throne of David and over his kingdom,
to establish it and to uphold it
with justice and with righteousness
from this time forth and forevermore.
The zeal of the LORD of hosts will do this."
Isaiah 9: 1-7

Shane & Shane & Thesis

2008-04-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

Waging War

It haunts me so
This gloomy weight
That comes and goes
Without a trace
A thousand times my flesh embrace
A thousand more but if for grace

To see the Lord, the promised land
Where in sins pearly gates look bland
And what was once a pearl now sand
That blows away in light of Him

When battle lines become unclear
And the waging war is all I hear
Sustain me with Your voice
And the choice to walk in truth
And by the Spirit

That I might see this day
This waging war might go away
And be no more
That I might see His face
And hear Him say
Son, welcome home
The war is over

A great song which was a great surprise to me today, as all good new music is. But, I must add, it was rather different because not much Shane and Shane is 'new' for me, except for the entire 'clean' CD which must have hidden itself in my basement or some other good area for hiding. Hope the lyrics encourage you, but I would listen to the song for real if you can.

Verses for now, 12:52am on another night of this repetitious, unfailingly continous year in which God is doing more than I often wish he was. Oh, for future-vision 3-d glasses.

Collosians 2:13-15, Ephesians 2:8-10, Psalm 17:8

SWM, 23, Needs Grace & Mercy

2008-04-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

It really does seem like every time I log on to share a deep thought, a wandering poem, or some snippet of encouragement, I just revert back to the Word of God; because of this, should I despair thus? I think I should not. As our wonderful deceased kingly friend Solomon has said, for everything there is a season, though this post is not meant to become a discussion on the presence or importance of seasons in our lives or in mine over the last year and a half. (maybe some other time!)

For now, again, the meat; the bread of life: the truest food, without which I would surely have shriveled into an uncomfortably dry and ugly raisin sometime last semester.

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us." -psalm 103:8-12

How desperate we are for his good grace. And, tonight, how deeply I need to have an understanding of his grace for me, so that I can extend the same to others. My friend Nate Martin encouraged me tonight in this vein; how vain are our efforts to forgive and extend grace and mercy if they are OURS alone; my prayer tonight: "Father, I believe, only help me in my unbelief."

Some Portfolio & Jesus

2008-03-30T15:59:00.000-07:00

Today I sit in Irvings and work on my portfolio. A sample page appears above. I've just finished "The Lotus and the Cross" by Ravi Zacharias; a good read, for sure. It's a nice day today. Alas, the final purpose of this post follows:

"On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'" -John 7:37-38

Jose Gonzalez Cover - Heartbeats

2008-03-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away

Both under influence
We had a divine sense
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief

Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

And you, you knew the hand of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

Check this guy out. This song may or may not always remind me of driving through Utah; as it is, I see no reason why it wont!

Through Utah and Back Again

2008-03-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

This will be a quick post in which I will explain that

1. I am listening to "The Trapeze Swinger" by Iron and Wine, which is a solid old hit in my book, and which never ceases to remind me of St. Peters in Rome, and going to the circus with a girl freshman year. Oddly enough, both of these mimetic conjectures are actually lyrics in the song. Oh, my unoriginal memory.

2. Glen Ottinger, the famous thin-films-deposition theorist, is now residing in the sunny state of California, about which I pine continually. The above image (entitled "Domination Arches", simply because Glen and I decided that the arches in this photo dominate) is a small snapshot - an eerie whispering of what is to come to this wonderful blog. I will, soon enough, be explaining in a more substantial sense that our trip was really great. Until then, pine with me, and view the Domination Arches.

Today is Trevor's Birthday

2008-03-06T05:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Trevor,

may your birthday be filled with
wonderful dancing tree-nymphs,
alligators,
and assorted objectionable fantasy characters.
May you increase in manna points today,
and level-up your shield.

Love,
Justn

Music, Again? Seriously?

2008-03-02T22:33:00.000-08:00

http://www.temporaryresidence.com/mp3s/eluvium_iwillnotforget.mp3

Okay, I'm assuming that if you're reading this you've already clicked this link and enjoyed this fine composition, which dominates all other musical compositions I have heard of late. There is an ambient flavor to this beautiful song that reminds me of the score to American Beauty and the Thames in London when I was there almost exactly a year ago. Answer me this, faithful blog reader - do you honestly think this was composed by a human being - one named "Eluvium"?

OR_

Was it composed by a super-intelligent series of lichens, strung together in an electrically-sensitive matrix, and plugged into a very good sound system?

To vote ----------> post a reply. They will be tallied at the end of the fiscal year and submittted to my secretary, at which point I will have my assistant review the final number and then report it to me via my talking parrot.

In all seriousness (wait, you haven't yet been serious, Justin?), Eluvium rocks and dominates, as does Loney, Dear (yes, still), as does Beirut (a band I haven't yet mentioned). Furthermore, you may have been able to surmise at this point that three of my favorite things are Jesus, music, and my thesis (it's actually arguable whether or not that's something to be counted in the ranks of 'favorite', but for now, it takes up my time.) Therefore, another snapshot of my project as it is tonight, this cold and blustery March night at 1:43 AM.

What am I doing, you wonder?

2008-03-01T16:00:00.000-08:00

Currently, I am listening to my new favorite song.

Take it Back by Loney, Dear. (yes, the band's name is Loney, Dear)

This song (and band) completely dominates all other bands and songs.

(Oh, I'm also working on my thesis.)

For Ben

2008-02-24T18:38:00.000-08:00

My goodness. The 'blank slate' that a blog page presents is not as welcome tonight as it normally is. And one more thing - I find that there is a semi-subconscious screen that invariably brings itself to bear on all my entries, since I have no idea who will be reading them and what their own internal judgments will be, from miles and miles away while they eat raisin-bran crunch and 'surf around' my blog-town. The degree to which this screen should be active is, I'm sure, relative, but I would like to say that it bothers me nonetheless since the best writing is done with the least care. (I am in the midst of writing a short story for an Engl workshop class, and I've parenthetically allowed my story to be the worst story ever written; which is the best way, I've found, to learn this craft.)

My heart's heavy tonight with the weight of a good friend's suffering. I find these moments quite a bit more common this year than they have been before, which I think is a combination of God's good and soveriegn will, life circumstance (which is not apart from the former), and a mix of issues that face post-grads and almost-grads as they navigate the stormy waters of self-understanding and the increased responsibility that comes with increased age.

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.

My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak.

I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.

Psalm 31:9,10,12

Oh David. How encouraging the truth of Paul's words in Romans 5:3-5 as elucidated by the eloquent John Piper in his series on suffering! How deeply amazing to the heart of the creator in Hebrews 12, the book of Lamentations, Jeremiah 29, Micah 6, Hosea 6, Isaiah 1, (allow me to remove my wonderfully tattered verse-pack from my left pants pocket...ha!) That our beloved SAVIOR uses and even ordains the suffering of his people as discipline in view of their greater joy and lasting satisfaction in KNOWING him - this truth has lately and often been the seldom comfort of this season, and tonight (with much joy) I was able to encourage a great friend with this truth whose circumstance and situation is less than desirable.

But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."

Psalm 31:14

That each trial faced would bring us to a deeper emotional and intellectual understanding of the operative "trust" in this verse! AHHHHHHHHH! Paul, why you wrote Philippians 3 has made much more sense this year than ever before, so thanks for your patience in the midst of my ignorance. Amazing that God's given us hearts that can so empathize and bear the burdens of one another, but I find myself torn between a feeling of helplessness in light of my friend's suffering, and a trust that acknowledges Jesus Christ as the Savior, the son of Jehova Rapha (The Lord our Healer), and the only one who can bind up what has been so rent apart by sin.

So excited to one day praise Jesus before His throne and FINALLY, with all of you, including my friend in his circumstance, watch the thinness of our old nature fall away, and walk in the glorious and total joy of Psalm 30:11-12, knowing that Jesus has completed that which he began in us, and that we can hear Him say to each one of us, "Behold, I am making all things new."

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"

Psalm 30:10-11

Music & Me

2008-02-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

This is:

1. A rather quick entry, sporadically dotted with random information that may or may not excite / interest you.

2. A listing of sentences that have been syntactically varied so as to alter them semantically and really confuse someone.

3. People I know personally and have dinner with often.

4. Sufjan Stevens - For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti.

5. An encoded series of sentences in which my current favorite song lies alone like a little bird in a nest (a nest of words...)

Hi, I am a "blogger". Welcome to my blog-ing (s?).

2008-02-15T14:09:00.000-08:00

And so, beginning with this, the preliminary and also the most preeminent posting (as it is the first), I felt compelled to share with you all (digital passersby who may or may not know me) a section of God's Word that has been expansively meaningful to me over the last month.

Though the fig tree
should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the
vines,

the produce of the olive
fail

and the fields yield no
food,

the flock be cut off
from the fold

and there be no herd in
the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the
Lord; I will take joy in
the God of my salvation.

_Habakkuk 3:17-18